No Escape
by RRfan4life
Summary: Rachel painfully reflects on her history with Ross after learning he has become engaged to Emily. Set in season 4. [oneshot]


**Disclaimer:** The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Bright/Kauffman/Crane, blah blah blah. My life feels so empty after writing this.

**A/N:** This fic is set in season 4, after the gang finds out Ross got engaged to Emily.

"I'll catch up with you guys later, have a good time."

The five friends said goodbye to the sixth; there was some celebrating to do. Sure, the announcement had been an incredible shocker, but they were never the ones to turn down a potential reason to have a good time. They'd worry about the rush later.

Rachel, however, stayed behind.

She watched as, one by one, her best friends slipped out the door of apartment 20. The apartment that had been her and her best friend Monica's for the past four years, ever since she left that horrible excuse for a potential wedding.

Her other friend Phoebe smiled at her, she was very pregneant as she was playing the surrogate mother role to her half-brother and his wife. The now bulging blonde left the apartment, a cautious looking Joey following after her.

Joey lived with their other friend Chandler in apartment 19, just across the hall. It was the ultimate bachelor pad, and they were the ultimate bachelors. The third bachelor, a member for about a year now, was quickly leaving the club . . .

Rachel sighed, and sunk down onto the cushy couch in the living room. Those words still reverberated in her brain, like a plucked guitar string that just woudln't give up.

_'Emily and I got engaged!'_

She had been in her bedroom when the news was dropped, but she'd heard it as clearly as if he'd whispered it in her ear.

Ross was engaged. Ross, who she'd known since at least high school. Ross, who she'd used to share an incredibly loving, passionate relationship with. Ross, who'd broken her heart, and yet she'd still loved him. The Ross she was supposed to be over by now.

She closed her eyes, trying desperately to sort out all these thoughts going through her head.

So Ross was engaged. She should be happy for them- he'd finally moved on. But she couldn't even try to disregard the growing pain in her chest, the hurt that seemed to come directly from her heart.

He'd moved on. That was it, he was marrying Emily. There was no possible way for the infamously on-again, off-again couple to ever be on again. Rachel always subconciously thought that someday, somehow, they would end up together. Yet here he was, getting married. To someone else.

When did her life get so severely off-track?

Ah yes, their one year anniversary. The memory of that day- very possibly the worst day of her life- was forever burned in her mind. She always tried to avoid the thought of it, but it was just something she couldn't forget.

It's never, ever easy to hear that the one person you love more than anything in the world has cheated on you. It makes you feel like second best, it makes you feel like you no longer matter. You're just another stupid girl. She didn't care if she had said they needed a break, she still loved him and he damn well knew that. Hearing what he'd done- from _Gunther_, nonetheless- stung worse than any pain she'd ever endured . . . well, before this night, anyway.

Another girl . . . he was _marrying_ another girl. This officially made Rachel just one on his list of ex-girlfriends. She hated that prefix, "ex". It made her sound like the bad guy. You put an ex in front of something, it just seems to take all the value out of it.

Her mind entered dangerous territory- actually replaying their long, emotionally-draining breakup. She vaguely remembered throwing a magazine at his head. But the image that she remembered most was his face- full of so much regret, fear, and anger towards himself . . .

_'You can't just kiss me and expect things to be okay, Ross!'_

She hated that moment. She wished that things _could_ be okay with a simple kiss. She wanted to melt into his embrace, she wanted his shoulder to cry on, she wanted him to comfort her until she felt better. He was her rock- until he became the reason she needed one. That left her with nothing but thin air to hang on to.

Rachel sat up on the couch, letting heavy tears fall down her face freely. There was no one here to wipe them, not now.

Joshua? Well, Rachel wasn't even sure his admirable qualities went past "nice ass". She didn't even know the guy, and she hadn't really tried to. All she knew was that she needed some way to get over Ross, and he had been the first guy to catch her eye. But Joshua would never be Ross.

Her memory drifted in and out of the good times and the bad.

Hearing about Ross's true feelings from Chandler. Rachel had probably never been more shocked in her life. One of her closest friends? Like her girlfriends had said, it would be like starting out on the fifteenth date. It could, potentially, be something really amazing.

Why did he have to go to China? His stupid job leading him to stupid Julie, forcing her into a state of jealous stupidity. That should have been her at his side, kissing in front of the coffee house, buying a dumb cat together. She hated Julie from taking that away from her.

Until her and Ross's first kiss- so tender, so meaningful, so incredibly passionate. For once, she thought it might be possible for things to actually work out in her life. Hearing Ross say he broke up with Julie for her was beautiful music to her ears.

Then what should she find, but a list of the reasons why Ross _shouldn't _date her. So her heart cracks a little . . .

But when the romance did get up and running, it had been beyond incredible. She had grown to love Ross more than she ever knew she was capable of. He seemed like _the_ one- the perfect guy for her to spend her life with. She may not have liked to think about being tied down for life, and it did freak her out to hear Ross practically picking out children's names, but she knew it was all out of his love for her. God, he loved her. He adored her.

But then came her new job. Quickly, what was once a loving, passionate relationship disintegrated into a jealousy-infused, high-school-esqe shadow of their former intimacy. Mark walked into their life, and everything just took a turn for the worse. It all boiled over when Rachel had to work on their anniversary.

Rachel shook her head, keeping returning thoughts of the breakup out of her already gloomy mind. But she couldn't shake the image of Ross, so completely heartbroken, practically begging at her feet for forgiveness . . .

She got up from her spot on the couch, going into the kitchen for an asprin. A surprisingly painful headache had taken residence in her head. She swallowed the pill with a glass of water, and made herself some tea. Instead of returning to the couch, she moved to the window seat. She leaned her back against the wall, resting her forehead on the cold glass of the window, absentmindedly staring at the outside as she continued the journey down memory lane.

After "Ross and Rachel" ended, it was like hell everytime they were in a room together. Seemingly harmless nights out with their friends became dangerous war-zones, a place for battle between two people trying as hard as they possibly could to deny their continuing love for one another. Somehow, out of this huge mess, hints of their old friendship formed. They could stand to be by one another without ruining everyone else's time. It felt like, maybe, they could finally move on.

Of course, until they actually _tried_ to move on. Bonnie entered the picture, and Rachel felt like she was back to watching Ross with Julie, envying her from the sidelines. They all went to the beach house, and Rachel found it pretty much impossible to hide her continuing feelings for him with no one around to stop her. When Bonnie did show up, she somehow tricked her into shaving her head.

This memory caused Rachel to laugh a bit to herself as she took a sip of tea. It was the first time she had smiled all night.

She really had thought the beach house would change everything back to the way it used to be. She found out Ross returned her feelings- they both still loved each other. So what was holding them back? She had tried to tell him everything in that stupid, dumb letter she had to burden upon him . . .he probably _still_ hadn't read the whole thing. That reconciliation lasted about twenty-four hours before they fought again. It was apparent that the romanticism between the two of them was over.

And yet here she was, months later, and she still couldn't get herself to fully believe that. He still meant so much to her, he was still her best friend. How could that possibly be normal? He had done so many sweet things for her since they broke up, he even skipped being on television to help her go to the hospital. But she never forgave him . . .

It still struck a chord. It would always strike a chord.

Why, why was she feeling like this? From the best friend perspective, she should be happy. From the ex- er, _former_ girlfriend perspective, she should be happy that he's going to screw up someone else's life and not hers.

Even so . . .six weeks! Ross had only known Emily for six weeks! He'd known Rachel since they were kids. They dated for a _year_. Did none of that mean anything to him? Rachel certainly hadn't gotten a ring, she hadn't even gotten a discussion about the possibility! Not a thing.

Six weeks . . .that Emily must really be something.

And so the tears flowed again. Because if Emily was something, then Rachel was nothing.

She heard the door open, and quickly tried to dry her face. She looked to the door to see Ross enter the apartment.

"Hey, I just forgot my phone."

"Oh."

He turned his gaze to her. "Listen, Rach, are- are you okay?"

"Yeah," she attempted a smile. "I'm fine."

"Then why don't you come back with me? We're having fun, but everyone misses you."

"I don't really feel well, Ross. I think I'm gonna go to bed."

"Okay." His face bore a worried expression. "Well, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Goodnight."

He walked over to her, planting a light kiss on her forehead before heading for the door.

"Ross?"

He turned around.

"Yeah?"

"I'm really happy for you."

He gratefully smiled. "Thanks Rach, that means a lot to me."

And with that, he left. Just like that.

Rachel's eyes seemed to burn a whole in the door, staring after him. She let the tears come again; there was no reason to stop them.

She would never, ever understand this.

She banged her head against the window, sobbing uncontrollably. Ross was just so much to her. The one guy she had an actual meaningful relationship with, once upon a time. The ony guy who used to make her feel so safe and protected. The one guy that she could always lean on, no matter what. The one guy that she wanted to pound his chest, hurt him, make _him_ feel the pain that he'd inflicted on her. The one guy she wished she'd never have to see ever again, but at the same time, couldn't live without his face.

The one guy she hated more than anyone in the world just happened to be the one guy that held all her feelings, all the love her heart possibly had to give.

She laid her forehead on the window, closing her eyes to the world around her, holding in the last of the tears that threatened to fall down her already swollen face. Her strength left her as she collapsed in a heap onto the cushony fabric of the seat, utterly defeated. She didn't have the will or strength to move, and, despite her exhaustion, she couldn't even sleep. She laid still, afraid to break the slience the filled the room, echoing off the walls. She somehow got herself to admit what she'd been scared of all along.

The only guy she would ever want was the one guy she could never have again.

And now, there was no escape from the pain.

* * *

So there you guys go. This is probably my favorite fic I've written, so I hope anyone who read it likes it. Reviews are incredibly appreciated! Thank youuu 


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